Friday, November 18, 2011

Trying to understand what cant be understood.

             There are no words to describe how I have been feeling lately. Yes I can put labels like angry, happy,  or sad. But they don't do justice. Some might call it numbness but thats not exactly it.  I was told by a friend to take sometime to myself and sit in it with God. So I did what I do best and I journaled.  I sat and tears started to stream down myself but I felt nothing it is the weirdest feeling and I just don't understand what is going on. I look at pictures of Hal and think he's still here mind, body, and soul. But in fact he is not here in mind or body but maybe his soul is here with us. I feel as if he is still with me and I wonder if thats him with me in spirit. Each time a love one dies it brings on different feelings. With my Grandma her mind was already gone. When I found out she had Alzheimer's thats when my grieving process started and the tears would stream down my face each time I saw her and saw that she was only getting worse. But with Hal it was different his mind was still there and of course  he was still cracking jokes till the very end. Though he gave me time to prepare was I really prepared? I think I led myself to believe that he was not going to die that he was a fighter and had many years left in him. I had hope until I saw him take his very last breath. It became real all of a sudden real that I had lost one of my Best friends. Then I went on with my life and somehow the reality of the situation disappeared. That was until the funeral then it became so real again and now its not so real. My brain thinks about him every second of the day, and I know he's gone but my emotions their not so sure. The way I grieve is by crying but I don't know how to grieve if I cant cry and thats kind of the stage I am currently at. The tears are subtle and few just few enough to let my emotions think he is still alive.

"He's love is like the wind I cant see it but I can feel it" - A walk to remember

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